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Therapy

So today I’m a bit off. Not feeling great but I’m not going to say “today has been shit!” Because I opened my eyes this morning and got ready for work. Therefore I’m alive, I have a job that puts a roof over my head and a good support network around me. I am lucky and I am strong.

This morning I had a counselling assessment over the phone as I had reached out to my GP asking for some kind of therapy with dealing with my grief of potentially not having children of my own. It makes me feel sick writing that as I WILL have kids, just maybe not how I imagined however a niggling part of my brain keeps saying “but what if it doesn’t happen?” I cannot even comprehend a future without kids at this point and I think that’s why I feel like I do need some help, maybe not initially but maybe for the future, call it damage limitation if you will.

As I mentioned I have some very supportive friends and family around me, all have said the same, it’s ok to have bad days, to cry and to just do what makes you happy, eat the junk food, drink on a Tuesday afternoon! Do all the things that make you feel better. Now for some going out and getting on it could work short term and I don’t judge if that’s what makes you feel better but it’s not for me, I’m not a huge drinker anymore (I’ll get merry probably once or twice a month) but I really have to be in the mood and to be honest I’d rather just a good old dance! Plus I have to psych myself up for the mammoth 2 day hangover after!

I also don’t like to gauge on junk food, since I like to exercise I’d feel I would be undoing my hard work. Wow I sound boring! It is however 2 days before pay day, I’m well into my overdraft but I have come to my favourite place for brunch and a fresh juice, £10 I shouldn’t be spending right now but it’s the therapy I needed and while sat here typing away I’m already feeling ok with not being ok.

Look after you,

Lots of love,

CC

 

 

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The Beginning of the end (That’s what It felt like anyway!)

So after about 3 weeks I finally managed to complete the About Me page of this blog!

Now my first real blog post is here! Hurrah!

As I mentioned, I began writing my thoughts and feelings down in a little notebook after my diagnosis mainly when I was on my own (a place at the time I did not want to be) These often one line scribbles mainly consisted of Why me? What now? What do I say when I’m asked if I have kids? Who’s going to visit me in my shitty nursing home? (Obviously it would be a shitty nursing home as I would have no children to make sure I ended up in a good one) As you can probably imagine by that trail of thought I am an overthinker who likes to be in control of her own destiny!

Im a positive Pollyanna, always seeing the glass as half full and although single I knew I would meet someone one day and have a family, yes I was aware time was getting on but I believe if you picture what you want it will happen, law of attraction and all that.

So after my diagnosis I was floored. I felt alone and like the life had been sucked out of me. Writing things down definitely helped me as I can see in a short time (just over 3 weeks) how far I’ve come in this grieving process. It can also help to make a note of any questions you may have for your next gynocology or infertility appointment.

As I am single (ish, save that for another post ey) and always wanted children I was keen to be referred straight away to an infertility specialist to look into my options. I am an emotional person but I am very strong and independent so after a lot of tears I came to realise I want to be a mother not just have a partner and kids which I’ve come to terms with, may not happen as the clock really is ticking (as we are all so often reminded of as single women in our 30’s, yeh thanks for that!)

My advise to anyone at this point are as follows:

Keep busy, I went back to work after a few days off. I deal with the public so was dreading pretending to be happy but after a while it really did help take my mind of it. I have no control of what is happening to me but work I can control and thankfully that was going really well and I have a great team so it helped to focus on the positives.

Talk about it, Tell your close friends and family how you are feeling so they understand what you are going through and of course it’s ok to cry. One of the side effects is low mood or mood swings so some days I feel like myself then others I just feel so sad. It helps that loved ones know so they can be there for you but on the flip side know when to leave you be.

Keep healthy and active, Thankfully I enjoy exercise and cooking healthy meals.  A healthy and nutritious diet plays a big part and it’s important you are getting the vitamins and nutrients you need that can help your body adapt to the changes it is going though. You should ensure that you are getting enough of the right foods to provide specific nutrients to keep you healthy during this time. I can go into more detail on this in another post as I could go on forever. I am however taking  Vitabiotics Menopace plus Botanicals that I got from Holland and Barrett. It is a combination of the regular Menopace tablet which acts as a multi-vitamin and the active botanical tablet that contains green tea and sage extract along with soya which help to regulate some of the symptoms. Once I begin HRT I may stop these but will see what my G.P advises. I am also taking cod liver oil which I’ll probably continue with once on medication. As with any supplements these must not replace a varied, balanced diet and healthy lifestyle.

Exercise is important too, I tend to do about 3-4 different classes a week which admittedly I fell off the last couple weeks due to feeling so low but instead I went on long walks ( I walked 7 miles  with one of my best friends the weekend after my diagnosis) it’s great therapy, grab a mate and just walk and talk or try a yoga or Pilates class which are both low impact and relaxing.

I don’t know if since being diagnosed I was more aware of my symptoms. I have been suffering with aching joints particularly in my knees and hips, something I hadn’t noticed too much before as I would put it down to just aching from exercise. I’m also tired a lot of the time, even after 7-8 hours sleep a night. If I’m not at work and sat at home doing nothing I will definitely nap! The hot flashes are a given, I think I’m quite lucky there, I read online of one lady sleeping outside on a sun lounger! I suggest wearing light layers that you can remove if needed and have a bottle of water handy always. I get the old S.T.L (sweaty top lip) so I carry a translucent powder in my bag to get rid of any shininess on my face without having to plaster on more make up.

Treat yourself, I really noticed my skin and hair looking dull, again maybe something I noticed more once diagnosed but I got myself a hair conditioning treatment from boots that I do once a week and also had a couple of facials. These don’t need to be expensive. I got a good discount through work on a Dermologica facial and a free one from a salon I often use. You could always look at local colleges near to you that need models for training or buy a face mask from a shop, anything to make you feel better.

Pester your G.P! This is so important. Since beginning this post I’ve had my second appointment with the gynaecologist who had previously written to my G.P asking them to refer me to her colleagues at the Infertility clinic. I went to my G.P to ensure they had received the letter and fulfilled the request, I also asked for some counselling but I can fill you in on that next time as I’m having a telephone assessment next week. Anyway I called the hospital after my last gyno appointment and they did not have the referral for infertility clinic so I called the surgery who said they had definitely sent it so are looking into it. I will be calling them first thing Monday for sure to find out what’s going on. I don’t care if I’m that annoying patient, I need that appointment to help me move on and look to the future. Already I’ve moved to Bali for a year, got a dog and moved home with my mum to bring up a baby on my own! (The latter actually being a strong possibility)

I hope this post of my ramblings has helped someone some what. For now I am taking each day as it comes. I’ll let you know how the counselling goes.

Goodnight , god bless,

CC aka Young “Hot” Single

Early Menopause · Infertility · Solo mum

About me

I’m a young woman, 33 and recently found out I’m going through early menopause or Premature ovarian failure. Both phrases I detest. Menopause you associate with 50+ women, premature ovarian failure, exactly what I felt like when the gynaecologist gave me her diagnosis, a failure.

I hadn’t googled my symptoms prior, I’m not silly! But once I was sent away with a few leaflets on early menopause I began seeking support from other women going through it. I found some forums online but I still felt so alone and quite often still do.

Much of what I had found was from women who already had children or were diagnosed at an even younger age so had come to terms with it sooner.

Now I’m not saying my circumstances are any worse than any of those women but I was struggling to understand what the hell I was going to do now? Why me? Will I ever feel myself again?

What I did see was that everything I was feeling was pretty standard. Complete devastation, sadness, anger any other horrible, gut wrenching feeling you can possibly experience. The 2 days after my diagnosis I only stopped crying when I was asleep!

Now I don’t have children, but I was always going to have a family, it was in my life plan. Yes I’m a planner and also since my news back on 20th March 2017 I’ve come to realise I like to be in control! Now what I am going through I have no control over and initially I was freaking out about my future, I just couldn’t picture it without children.

Since my diagnosis I have been scribbling in a notebook thoughts and feelings as I knew at some point I wanted to start a blog to help other young women going through the same as me. I also knew I couldn’t cry forever so writing became my therapy and almost a log of my emotional state. I knew I could look back at it and see how strong I am!

I don’t claim to be the best writer so please forgive me, I definitely write how I speak! (I get that from my Nan, who also went through early menopause at 38) and I’m not here to try and inspire an army of menopausal females (that would be scaryily powerful though right?!) I just hope to ease the pain and loneliness for other young women out there that may be experiencing the same and looking for support and advise.

I can of course only speak on my journey and I’m definitely not a medical professional so I will be sharing what works for me and my journey through this bullshit hand I’ve been dealt. (Yes there maybe some cursing along the way, sorry Nan)

Lots of love,

CC aka Young “Hot” Single (get it!?)