Well, I’m finally back. It’s really been that long since I last posted and I’ve been through so much, like every emotion going.
I’ll be honest, after Grandad passed I was all over the show. Generally feeling so down I didn’t think I’d ever feel like me again. I forgotten what happy felt like and when I did have a flash of that feeling it then made me so sad.
For a longtime my infertility consumed me. I’d think about it every minute of every day. It wasn’t going away. I knew I couldn’t go on like that and after I completely lost it at work and could not stop crying (I hid in the toilets and behind my sunglasses so my staff didn’t see me!) I realised I probably needed some help to get on track again so went to the doctors and was prescribed anti depressants, just a very small dose. I had always worried about taking tablets and didn’t want to end up relying on them but after everything that had happened in those 3 months I was in a hole I couldn’t get out of. Let’s not forget that depression and anxiety are a side efffect of the menopause. Yes, Ive heard of doctors prescribing tablets too soon to menopausal women but I knew this was different for me, I just couldn’t cope with the grief. The loss of my fertility and Grandad all at once I’d forgotten how to be happy again.
So for the next few months after that I focused on doing things that I liked and that made me happy before. I spent time with family, going out dancing with them and having a drink and singing at the top of my voice! I began saying yes to things, nights out and even a trip to Amsterdam and Bruges. I just thought fuck it, you only live once and although I felt guilty for spending the money when I should be putting my money in the baby fund, life really is too short.
Since October last year Ive felt much better and wasn’t crying every time I had to talk about my infertility and menopause. I was feeling strong but knew I needed a plan. I had poked about the internet and stumbled across the London Woman’s Clinic and attended one of their single women seminars. It was completely free and specialists spoke about fertility MOT’s, egg freezing and IVF, not really of any use to me. I had been doing a lot of research on donor conception and the process but there’s so many terms, it was all a bit overwhelming. I just sat there screaming in my head, “ just tell me what I need and how much is it going to cost me!?” I felt pretty shitty after and the sadness and frustration came back and consumed me for a few days once again. It did however lead me to start using my twitter account more to follow the London Women’s Clinic, donor conception network and The Fetility Network which in turn led me to discover their show a couple of weekends later.
I attended the Fertility Network show at the Olympia. I hadn’t actually planned on going (I was anticipating a hangover from the night before to be fair) but I woke up feeling surprisingly ok and rather empowered so off I set across London on my own.
My plan was to get as much information on donor conception abroad. Being diagnosed with premature ovarian failure or early menopause means I get no help from NHS here in the UK as I need donor eggs. Going abroad is really my only option as its significantly cheaper.
I went round every stand getting information on double donation. I was there on my own and was ready to go into parenthood alone too, I want it that bad.
When the option is taken away from you it changes everything and makes you realise what you want.
I still get some anxiety thinking about how ill afford the process, even bringing up a child but slowly I’m beginning to not dwell on that. I have a huge support system and its likely Ill move back to my home town when it happens as my family is there, 2 strapping brothers that will make the best uncles and my oldest friends, many of which have their own kids. So I know I’ll be ok. I’m going to have to be as this is what I have to do if I want to have children.
Theres lots I can go into about donor conception as I recieved some counselling through the fertility dept at my local NHS hospital I began to get my head around the concept but I will save that for another post. Promise I wont leave it so long next time. I’m back baby!
Anyone going through the same as me, I swear you’ll get through this. Stay focused on your goals and when you are ready, delve deeper into your options.
Look after you,do what you love and don’t do what you don’t! Does that make sense!? You’ll get there.
Lots of love,
PS The Wonder Woman picture is just to remind myself who the fuck I am and how far I’ve come! Plus my Mum got me a Wonder Woman mug for my birthday so it must be true!