I’ve been having some proper wobbles lately. Since returning from my holiday I wanted to come off my medication. I was only on 10mg of citalipran so not a huge dose and I was feeling good. I felt like I had a plan somewhat and was ready to make a decision on the Clinic I will use for double donation however I don’t think anyone can really understand the stress and anxiety that can give a a person unless you have actually been through it. Even those closest to you will never get it. Obviously all your loved ones around you are going to be positive and tell you everything is going to work out in the end but that gamble that you are taking is huge. It’s not just the cost of treatment, its the travel, the tests that all add up. It’s overwhelming. My mum has been amazing and will visit the next clinic with me like she did in Spain. I know my mum will be honest with me and I know if she doesn’t like the place then it’s a no. It’s crazy I know but whenever my mum has said no to something while I was growing up I just knew that was my answer right there, what can I say, my mum really does know best!
Anyway, she and I really did like the clinic in Spain and I cannot fault their service and level of care not only my consultation but before and after too. If I had any questions at all, night or day, a lady Esther was there to answer them, they also did not put any pressure on me to choose their clinic.
Now I was led to believe it would be cheaper for double donation treatment abroad however it wasn’t as cheap as I thought so I wanted to investigate clinics here as I feel logistically it makes sense but more that I would be protected by UK laws and of course here in the UK it is known donors. Therefore when the child reaches 18 years old they have the right to find out who their donors were. This is something I’ve battled with and their are pros and cons I believe however I know of donor conceived children who have reached their teens and couldn’t give a shit! Lol I think it just all boils down to wether your child is naturally curious or not. I mean that can be a whole other blog there which fingers crossed, one day we’ll come to.
Anyway, I digress. With all this going on in my little head and with work and general day to day stresses it can be hard to stay level headed. I would beat myself up when having a mini meltdown and felt like I was being weak or broken but then remembered not everything I’m feeeling is down to me as a person and my personality but that of the hormone imbalance my body is undergoing during early menopause. Its funny its like I forgot! Ive been so focussed on my infertility and how I’m going to fix the problem and regaining some control.
There is a lot of talk on mental health these days and people are beginning to open up. The thing that has striked me is wether anything in particular has triggered your depression/anxiety we all have such similar feelings and thoughts and although you feel so alone, we are all actually battling with the same.
I very brave acquaintance of mine recently spoke out on social media about what he was going through. The video was the most honest and coragious thing I’d seen. To literally talk us through his thoughts and feelings while he was actually experiencing them and documenting for all to see was so moving and is what urged me to write this post.
So much of what he said in that short video resonated with me and I know it would of with many others too.
The feeling of guilt for feeling so down when others would look on at your life and say you had it all and other people have far less yet you cannot get out of the funk you’re in. Also suicidal thoughts. I have never felt that I could go through with actually ending my life or how I would do it but I have considered what it would do to the people around me if I wasn’t here. Not so much now but certainly right back when I was diagnosed and the realisation of not being a mum and having a family. I thought my life was over.
Obviously after extensive research, support and of course money (don’t get me started) I know there are options for me to become a mum but on particularly bad days I am filled with anger and sadness that it just isn’t going to happen how I thought or wanted it to.
I have tears in my eyes typing this so I’m going to stop now! What I’m really trying to say is why do we feel so lonely yet all experiencing the same battles one way or another? It breaks my heart. There are a lot of campaigns over social media now and people are speaking out but is this a new thing? and back in the day we were just built of stronger stuff or has it always been there and we just have the platforms available now to speak out?
I do blame the internet for lot if I’m honest, celebrity and being able to create a fake life online I think has made us put too much pressure on ourselves to have succeeded certain things by a certain time and having possessions as a measure of success etc when actually you can have the best job, beautiful family and travel the world yet still be so miserable and unfulfilled. This leads me back to my friends video and the feelings of utter guilt.
I think a lot more needs to be done in schools as the world evolves at the rapid pace it is. Social care, self care, mindfulness classes and even counselling should be in the curriculum, basically a prevention in the first place or I fear these issues will continue to rise.
I know I am having to now at almost 35, train myself to control my thoughts that trigger my anxiety. It took me a while to even realise I was experiencing anxiety as always just thought a panic attack was hyperventilating and rocking back and forth! When actually fact it comes in many forms, some silent.
I don’t even know what the purpose of this post was as I normally feel like I’m giving people something eg knowledge, answers but today I don’t know what the answer is. Maybe you can help me? LOL How do you distress? How do you cope when feeling anxious or depressed? How do you control your overthinking?
One thing before I go. Go and check on that someone today, that friend you keep meaning to call/text but think oh it can wait. Don’t put it off. You just don’t know these days what people are going through. We can all put on a good front but all know a random text or act of kindness can change your day and instantly uplift you.
LOVE, the best medicine!
All the best,